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How to practice emotional first aid | Guy Winch

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I grew up with my identical twin wasn't incredibly loving brother one thing about being a twin is it makes you an expert at spotting favoritism if his cookie what's even slightly bigger than my cookie I have questions and I wasn't starving when I became a psychologist I began to notice favoritism of a different kind and that is how much more we value the body that we do the mind I spent nine years at University earning my doctorate in Psychology interview how many look at my business card and say a psychologist so not a real doctor as if it should say that on my card favoritism we show the body over the mind I see it everywhere I recently was at a friend's house and then a five year old was getting ready for bed he was standing on a stool by the sink brushing his teeth when he and scratched his leg on the stool when he felt he cried for a minute then he got back up got back on the stool and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut this kid barely tie his shoelaces by telling you you have to cover a cut so it doesn't become infected and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day we all know how to maintain a physical health and how to practice Dental hygiene right we know it since we were five years old but what do we know about maintaining our psychological health nothing what do we teach our children about emotional High missing how is it we spend more time taking care of our teeth then we do our minds why is it a physical health is so much more Chihuahuas psychological house you know we sustained psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones injuries like failure or rejection aloneness and they can also get worse if we and they can impact our lives and dramatic ways and yet even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries we don't even occur to us that we should oh you're feeling depressed just shake it off it's all in your head can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg or just holding your leg it's time we close the gap between a physical and a psychological Health it's time we made them more equal more like twins speaking of which my brother is also psychologist he's not a real doctor either we didn't study together though in fact the hardest thing I've ever done in my life is move across the Atlantic to New York City get my doctorate in Psychology we were apart then for the first time in our lives and the separation was brutal to both of us but while he remained among family and friends I was alone in a new country we've missed each other terribly but International tacos were really expensive then and we could only afford to speak for 5 minutes a week when I birthday rolled around it was the first we wouldn't be spending together we did I get to splurge on that week we will talk to 10 minutes I spent the morning pacing around my room waiting for him to call and waiting and waiting but the phone didn't ring give me the time difference is you okay he's at with friends he'll cool later there were no cell phones then but you didn't night against realize it after being away for over 10 months he no longer text me the way I missed him I knew he would call in the morning but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life I woke up the next morning I glanced down at the phone and I realized I had picked it Off The Hook when pacing the day before I stumbled out of bed I put the phone back on the receiver and it rang a second later and it was my brother and it was he pissed it was the saddest the longest night of his life as well. I tried to explain what happened but he said I don't understand if you saw I wasn't calling you why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me why didn't I call him I didn't have an answer then but I do today and it's a simple one loneliness loneliness creates a deep psychological wound one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles are thinking it makes us believe that those around us are much less than they actually do it makes us really afraid to read out because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand I was in the grips of real loneliness back then but I was surrounded by people all day so it never occurred but loneliness is defined purely subjectively it depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you there is a law research on loneliness and all of it is horrifying loneliness won't just make you miserable it will kill you I'm not kidding chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death by $0.14 14% loneliness causes high blood pressure high cholesterol even suppresses the functioning of your immune system make a thunderbolt to all kinds of illnesses and disease is that scientists have concluded that taken together chronic loneliness poses a significant or risk for your long-term Health and Longevity a cigarette smoking cigarette packs come with warnings this the kill you but loneliness doesn't and that's why it's so important we prioritize our psychological Health that we practice emotional hygiene because you can treat psychological if you don't even know you injured luminous isn't the only psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and misleads us Celia does that as well I once visited daycare center where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys you had to slide the red button and a cute doggy would pop out one little girl tried pulling the purple button then pushing and then she just sat back and looked at the books with her lower lip trembling the little boy next to her watch this happen then turn to his books and burst into tears without even touching it meanwhile another little girl did everything she could think of until she slid the red button doggy pops out and she screamed with delight so three toddlers with identical plastic toys but with very different reactions to Favia the first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding the only thing that prevented them from succeeding was their mind trick them into believing they could not now adults get stripped this way as well all the time in fact we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure you need to be because if you don't mind tries to convince you you were incapable of something and you believe it then like those two toddlers you'll begin to feel helpless and you'll stop trying to soon or you won't even try it and then you'll be even more convinced Yukon you think that's why so many people function below the actual potential because somewhere along the way sometimes a single thing of you convince them that they couldn't succeed once we become since it's something it's very difficult to change your mind I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother we will driving with friends down a dark road at night when the police car stopped does they have been a robbery in the area they were looking for suspects the officer approached the car and he shined his flashlight on the driver then on my brother in the front seat and then on me and his eyes open wide and he said where have I seen your face before and I said in the front seat but that made no sense to him whatsoever so now he thought I was on drugs so he drags have the car he said it's just me he might just me over to the police car and only when you verified I don't have a police record would I show him I had a twin in the front seat but even people driving a way you could see by the look on his face who was convinced that I was getting away with something my mind is hard to change once we become convinced so it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail but you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can succeed you have to fight feelings of helplessness you have to gain control over the situation and you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins Ella minds and our feelings then not the trustworthy friends we thought they were more like a really moody friend who could be totally supported 1 minute and maybe unpleasant the next at once with this woman who after 20 years of marriage and an extremely ugly divorce was finally ready for her first date she had met this guy online and he seems nice and he's been successful and most importantly he seemed to really enjoy so she was very excited she bought a new dress and they met at an upscale New York City Bar for a drink 10 minutes into the date the man stands up and says I'm not interested and walks out rejection is extremely painful the woman was so hard she couldn't move all she could do was call the friend and here's what the friend said well what do you expect you have big head you have nothing interesting to say why would a handsome successful man like that ever go out with a loser like you Trucking right to the friend can be so cruel but it would be much less shocking if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that it's what the woman said to herself and that's something we all do especially after a rejection we all start thinking about our faults and shortcomings what we wish we were we wish we weren't we call ourselves names maybe not as harshly but we all knew it was interesting but we do because I want self-esteem is already hurting why would it even further we wouldn't make a physical well sometimes he wouldn't get the cut on your arm and decide I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it but we do that with psychological injuries all the time why because of poor emotional hygiene prioritize a psychological house from dozens of studies that when no self-esteem is lower Stress and Anxiety and it takes longer to recover from them when you get rejected the first thing you should be doing is to revive your self-esteem not joins Fight Club and beaten to a pulp when you want an emotional pain shoot yourself with the same compassion text it to me truly good friend we just attached unhealthy psychological habits and change them one of the healthiest and most common is gold rumination to ruin a men's to chew over it's when your boss yells at you or your professor makes you feel stupid and Claus so you had a big fight with a friend and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head the days of sometimes for weeks on end ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit and it's a very costly one because my spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts you are actually putting yourself at significant risk turn it up in clinical depression alcoholism is the problem is the urge to ruminate conceal really strong important so it's a difficult habit. I know this for a fact because it is a little over a year ago I develop the Habit myself you see my twin brother was diagnosed with stage 3 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma stanza was extreme beer if you have visible tumors all over his body and he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through I couldn't stop thinking how much he was suffering even though he never complained not once he had this incredibly positive attitude his psychological Health was amazing I was physically healthy I was a mess but I knew what to do studies tell us that even a 2-minute to distraction is sufficient to break the urge to ruminate in that moment and so each time I had a worrying upsetting negative thought forced myself to concentrate on something else until the Earth passed and within one week my whole outlook changed and became more positive and more helpful 9 weeks after he stopped chemotherapy my brother had a cat-scan and I was by his side when you go up the results has we're gone you still have three more rounds of chemotherapy to go but we knew he would recover picture was taken 2 weeks ago by taking action When You're Lonely by changing your responses to failure by protecting your self-esteem battling negative thinking you won't just heal your psychological ruins you will build emotional resilience you will thrive in a 100 years ago people began practicing personal hygiene and life expectancy rates Rose by over 50% in just a matter of decades I believe I'll quality-of-life the bride's just as dramatically if we all began practicing emotional hygiene could you imagine the world would be like if everyone was psychologically healthier if they were less loneliness and that's depression if people knew how to overcome failure if they feel better about themselves and more empowered if they were happier I'm also filled I can because that's the world I want to live in and that's the world brother wants to live in as well and if you just become informed and change a few simple habits that's the world we can all live in thank you very much

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How to practice emotional first aid | Guy Winch

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